Candle lighting in a funeral
Candle lightings in a funeral ceremony can be a beautiful inclusion. There’s several different reasons for including a candle lighting, as well as different ways you can do it. Let’s take a look at them now.
Reasons for including a candle lighting
When I bring up the option of including a candle lighting in a funeral, I often hear the response, “oh, but we’re not religious.” While candles are an important part of religious rituals, they’re not only for religion! People light candles in their homes for all sorts of secular reasons. During a funeral, candles can:
- bring light to the dark and warmth to the cold
- provide something for people to focus on
- represent our feelings and emotions
- provide some way for family members or close friends to be involved in the funeral without having to speak.
That last one is really important. Often people will tell me they don’t feel able to speak (for myriad reasons) but once I offer a candle lighting, that’s something they feel they can do.
Different candle lighting options
When it comes to the practicalities of candle lightings, there are several options available.
A single candle in remembrance
A family member (or I) can light a single candle to burn throughout the ceremony. If there’s just one candle to be lit, I usually bring a single white unscented pillar candle that sits on a small glass plate. I place it on the lectern if there’s space, on a small table, or I’ve even put it on the coffin.
Up to half a dozen candles in remembrance
If there are immediate family members who don’t want to speak, I will often have each of them light a lighting taper candle (they’re the really skinny ones) from a tealight or pillar candle. They then stand the lit taper in a sand bowl. I have a lovely poem that I often read while the candles are being lit; it’s written for four candles but I often adapt it for three or five or six candles.
Candles for all present in reflection
It’s rare that we don’t see a photo slideshow in a funeral these days. The slideshow of memories, accompanied by music, is the perfect point in the funeral for reflection. But occasionally I come across a family who doesn’t want a slideshow (again, for myriad reasons). I still think it’s important to include some time for reflection, and I often suggest a candle lighting for this purpose.
Lighting tapers will be available for any of the guests who want to light one. We’ll play some music as mourners come forward, light their taper, and stand it in the sand bowl. I’ve done this with up to 100 people coming forward to light a taper, and the end result of all those flickering lights is a beautiful focus for people’s reflections.
Extinguishing the candles
Candles that are lit have to be unlit somehow 🙂 Depending on the length of the ceremony and when they’re lit, tapers may burn themselves out, but otherwise we need to extinguish them.
Some people believe it’s bad luck to blow out candles, so use a candle snuffer or pinch them out. I usually do this after everyone has left the ceremony space.
If I know there are going to be little kids (usually grandchildren of the deceased) present, I’ll often ask them to come forward and blow out the candles as the closing music is playing.
There’s really no rules; extinguish those candles however works for you 🙂