When someone dies, it is typical to have some kind of ceremony to farewell them: a funeral or a memorial. This ceremony will usually involve gathering together to share memories and stories of the deceased. It may be led by a celebrant or a religious minister. There may be music, poetry/readings, rituals, and multiple speakers. The ceremony may be followed by refreshments, a further opportunity to share memories and support each other.

The name of this ceremony is usually a funeral or a memorial. Often these words are used interchangeably. But they actually refer to different types of ceremonies. Let’s take a look at the difference between funerals and memorials.

NB before you continue reading: this is a no-holds-barred discussion. I will be talking about difficult topics such as the body of the deceased, murder, and missing people. If that’s not for you, please don’t read on. If you need help with your grief, please click here to see my list of grief organisations and resources.

Coffin or no coffin

This is the major difference between funerals and memorial servicess:

  • at funerals a coffin is present
  • at memorials there is no coffin present.

To be slightly crass, when I’m talking about a coffin I mean a coffin with a body inside. So another way of putting this is that a funeral has the body of the deceased present, and a memorial does not.

There’s several reasons a coffin may not be present at a farewell ceremony:

  • there may not be a body available if it hasn’t yet been found. Some families will go ahead with a farewell ceremony in circumstances where it is all but certain the person is dead. For example there were multiple memorials for passengers of MH370 after it went missing in 2014, and there continue to be annual memorials held around the world.
  • the deceased may already have been buried or cremated prior to the ceremony. This may be because:
    • the family doesn’t want to look at a coffin during the ceremony
    • it has been some times (months or years) between the death and the ceremony
    • the ceremony is being held in a different state or country from where the person died
  • the ceremony is being held in a venue that does not allow coffins, such as a restaurant.

Request from the deceased

A slightly different reason for there being no coffin present at a farewell gathering is when the person who died has specifically requested their family not hold a funeral. To honour such a request while still being able to gather and say farewell, families may choose a memorial ceremony or other kind of gathering some time down the track. My Great-Aunt Melva didn’t want a funeral. Instead, several months after she died and donated her body to the local medical school, we held a gathering in her home:

  • there were food and drinks
  • people shared their memories of her with each other
  • my mother presented a tribute to Aunty Melva to the whole group, and
  • my great-aunt’s best friend read a poem (which has become my favourite funeral poem).

Everyone present felt we’d honoured her wishes while still gathering as her community to say goodbye to her.

Timing differences

Another difference between funerals and memorials can be the timing:

  • a funeral with a coffin present is generally held within two weeks of the death (in Australia at least). The average timeframe for a funeral is about five-seven days after the death.
  • a memorial with no coffin present may be held within a similar timeframe, or it may be held some months or even years later. Again there are several possible reasons for such a delay:
    • the family may be awaiting the availability of an important family member
    • they have chosen to farewell their loved one on an anniversary of their death
    • there may be some time from the time the person disappeared to them being declared dead. In the case of a murder, for example, there may have been a lengthy search for a presumed-missing person before firm evidence of their death or their body is found. A family may be holding out hope that their loved one will still be found alive. They may not want to hold a farewell ceremony until the evidence of their death becomes overwhelming.

Ceremony differences

The final main difference between funerals and memorial services is within the actual ceremony itself:

  • funerals feature a section we call the committal or words of farewell. We are literally saying goodbye to the person’s body. This section is often accompanied by thanking them for the gifts they brought to this world and the lives of their loved ones.
  • memorials do not feature the committal or farewell wording, because the body is not present. There is nothing to say goodbye to in that moment.

I hope this overview has helped you to understand the difference between funerals and memorials. Whichever kind of farewell ceremony you choose to have, I’m sure it will be heartfelt, honest, and authentic.