The vows in the wedding ceremony

This entry is part 25 of 31 in the series Marriage Legalities

This entry is part 11 of 18 in the series Australian Wedding Ceremonies

This is a special post! This one fits in both my Australian Wedding Ceremonies series AND my Marriage Legalities series! Whichever series you’ve arrived at this post through, I hope it’s helpful!

In this post I’m going to look at the vows in the wedding ceremony. There are two types of vows:

the legal vows, i.e. the wording required under section 45(2) of the Marriage Act 1961
the personal vows, i.e. the lovely words that you each choose to say outlining your promises to each other for your married life.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these types of words and how they fit into the ceremony.

The legal vows

If you’re getting married outside of a religious organisation, i.e. by a civil celebrant like me, you’re both going to have to say the legal vows in your wedding ceremony. There’s no way around it!

The words

Section 45(2) of the Marriage Act 1961 says that if the celebrant is being solemnised by an authorised celebrant who is not a minister of religion, each of the parties to the marriage must say the following words in the presence of the authorised witness and the witnesses:

I call upon the persons here present to witness that I, A.B. (or C.D.), take thee, C.D. (or A.B.), to be my lawful wedded wife (or husband, or spouse)

or words to that effect. That’s it! Just that one sentence! That’s all you HAVE to say!

That bit about “or words to that effect” is pretty important. It allows us to make some changes to the wording to make them somewhat more modern, while still maintaining the meaning and intention of the words. With my couples, I take some of the changes allowed by the Guidelines on the Marriage Act 1961 for Authorised Celebrants and have each say the following:

I ask everyone here to witness that I, A.B. (or C.D.), take you, C.D. (or A.B.), to be my lawful wedded wife (or husband, or spouse, or partner in marriage).

And no, the words can’t be posed in a question and answer format to which you answer “I do” – that’s for the asking only! Each party to the marriage must say the legal vows.

If you’re only saying the legal vows, no personal ones, I’m happy to do them as a “repeat after me”. It even works really nicely to say the legal vows as you’re putting on your wedding rings!

Why are the legal vows so important?

In a non-religious marriage ceremony, if the legal vows are not said by each party to the marriage, a court of law may decide the marriage is not valid. Simple as that. It’s a legal requirement, just get it done!

I’ve written before about what you can do if you’re nervous at your wedding ceremony. Unfortunately nerves don’t preclude you from being required to say the legal words to make sure you marriage is valid.

NB: As soon as you’ve said your legal vows, you’re married. The marriage certificates are simply the documentation of the marriage that has already occurred. They don’t create the marriage in and of themselves.

The personal vows

Personal vows are the lovely words you say to each other outlining:

why you love each other
what you promise each other about your married life together.

This is not a legal requirement. It’s not a requirement of any type – remember, no rules other than the legal ones! You don’t have to include any personal vows at all. But I totally encourage you to. This is the pinnacle of the ceremony, and everyone wants to hear from you! Sometimes there’s humour involved, but above all there’s sincerity and authenticity.

How I help with your personal vows

If I’m your celebrant and you’re including personal vows, I’m going to ask you to send them to me two weeks before the ceremony. I like to check them for three reasons:

to make sure they’re a similar length – if they’re not, it’s fine, but I’ll let you know ahead of time so one of you doesn’t feel bad for writing too much or too little
to make sure they’re of similar sentiment – if one is all jokes and the other is all sincerity, that’s probably not going to work. I’ll let you know so you can decide if you want to change them
to make sure they don’t contradict the legal vows – that’s super important and part of my job as your celebrant.

I’m then going to print them (in large font!) onto a lovely card for you to read from. If we did a traditional “repeat after me” situation, you’re going to hear each other’s words coming out of my mouth first. I did it once in my first year and it was weird and awkward. He wrote a lovely joke in his vows and she laughed when I said it. Awkward. Never again. (Unless one of you is dyslexic or has some other issue making reading aloud difficult – there’s an exception to all my rules!)

But we really don’t want to include personal vows

If you REALLY feel uncomfortable about personal vows, whether it’s because you’re nervous about speaking, or because you don’t like to share personal things in public, consider sharing personal vows at some other point during the day. You might write letters for each other to read while they’re getting ready. Or you might exchange personal vows during your photo session. Make time at some point to tell each other why you love them and what you promise them.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure your vows are honest, heartfelt, and realistic 🙂