Personal tributes in a funeral
When I use the word “tribute” in relation to the funerals I perform, I’m talking about people’s personal stories and memories and anecdontes. When I’m talking about the ouline of the deceased person’s life story, I use the word “eulogy“, as discussed in another post. So this post is about the personal stories, memories and anecdotes presented by loved ones at a funeral.
Length of tributes in a funeral
Tributes can be as long or as short as you like. If we’re in a venue with time restrictions (such as a crematorium chapel), I’m going to ask tribute presenters to restrict their speech to 5 minutes, about 750 written words. If we’re in a non-restricted venue, you can definintely take longer than 5 minutes. However I do ask you to consider the mourners; they probably don’t need to hear every detail of your 50-year relationship with the deceased. Pick a few funny, heart-warming, interesting anecdotes that show us who the deceased was to you.
Number of tributes in a funeral
You can include as many or as few tributes as you want. I’ve had no tributes and I’ve had 20 tributes. As long as everyone has at least 5 minutes and there’s enough time in the ceremony space, bring on all the tributes. I think hearing stories of the deceased from the people who knew them best is the heart of the funeral.
Options for tributes in a funeral
As with the eulogy, there are several options for creation and presentation of the tributes:
- people can write and deliver their own tributes
- people who struggle with public speaking can write their tribute and I or someone else can deliver it on their behalf
- if there’s something someone wants to say to the deceased person, but they don’t want to say it publicly, they can write them a letter to go in the coffin
- we can skip the tributes altogether.
Let’s take a look at each of these options.
People writing and delivering their own tributes
Honestly, this is my favourite and most-preferred option. I love hearing people’s memories and stories of their loved ones delivered in their own voice. I find it powerful to hear, and empowering for the person giving the tribute. I often also hear people say they were nervous, but they did it for their loved one.
I always ask all the speakers to send me their tributes before the ceremony. This is for several reasons; so I can:
- keep an eye on long the ceremony will be.
- make sure people aren’t doubling up on the stories they’re planning to tell. Honestly, that’s a source of irritation for funeral guests, and best to avoid if possible.
- make sure I haven’t doubled up on any of the stories a speaker wants to tell in my eulogy. It’s much better to have the stories come from you than frome me.
- have read the tribute ahead of time in case the speaker falters on the day and needs me to step in and deliver it for them. I’m a pretty good cold reader, but I do prefer to have some prep time if possible!
- prepare a keepsake copy of the full ceremony script for the principal mourners. I often have people ring me after receiving their keepsake and say that it was all a bit of a blur on the day, so they’re thankful for the opportunity to sit down and read everyone’s beautiful words properly.
People writing tributes and me delivering them
I am always honoured to read people’s tributes for them. I know I said in the last section that people delivering their own tributes is my favourite, but I am well aware that some people simply can’t or don’t want to get up in front of others and speak. When I’m sitting with family and friends to plan a funeral, I’ll often hear, oh no, I wouldn’t be able to speak. That’s where I come in! Let me do the tough bit for you, I don’t mind at all.
Writing something to go in the coffin
If someone tells me they don’t think they’d be able to speak on the day, I’ll offer for them to write something for me to read on their behalf. If they still say no, I’ll make one final offer: that they write something to put in the coffin with their person. This can be a letter, a speech, something they wanted to say but didn’t get the chance, literally anything. It doesn’t happen often, but I reckon at about 5% of my funerals someone has said oh yes, that sounds like an excellent idea.
What about opening the floor?
Sometimes families will say we’d like to give anyone the chance to speak on the day, so let’s open the floor at some point. I ALWAYS talk them out of it. Why? Here’s a few reasons:
- funeral directors HATE it, because it means the ceremony timing will likely get out of whack. You never know how many people are going to get up and how long they’re going to speak for.
- the second part of the point above is also its own point. When you open the floor you either get an awkward silence when no one volunteers, or you get everyone in the room wanting to say something and we’re going to be there all day.
- when you haven’t carefully chosen your speakers, you can’t vet what they’re going to say. The last thing you want is someone airing their dirty laundry at a funeral, and when you open the floor, that’s the risk you take.
So let’s just not do that, okay? Much better to agree on who is speaking ahead of time and have the opportunity to put some boundaries around their speeches.